One More Time?

I perch at the bar with a glass of wine in my hand. As I sip it down, staining my lips I explain to the others “I don’t believe in drinking, I don’t need it anyhow”. I decide not to push it any further. There’s a place and a time for this and standing at a bar with free drinks isn’t that moment. Still, its nice when Michael nods his head in agreement to my “it’s an epidemic” joke (we’ve just finished our community musical ‘Epidemic’). Coz to me, it really is an epidemic, and sometimes I feel like nobody actually cares.  “When I get drunk I love everyone I really love everyone!” Claire chimes “But you already love everyone” I try and stress but to no avail. When I get drunk it’s too much…I just don’t like it.

An hour later and I’m following the crowd to another pub. Oh no, it’s not a pub. It’s a curry joint, that’s right, sorry about that, I’m a bit pissed. And right now? Now I’m gonna scrounge for free drinks. I jump at my opportunity to accompany Pauline to the cash point. “If you get me a drink” I add cheekily as we stumble on our way. Pauline stands at the cash point adamant that she hasn’t been paid. She’s right, she hasn’t. Still she asks me, of all people how much she should get out for drinks. I blurt “I dunno, enough to buy you and me drinks?” Sold “thirty’ll do” she replies. Madelaine’s been chased by some crazy bilingual bum. I’m not sure if he’s foreign or just talking jibberish but damn is he persistent! We’re chased to the bar and he stops. He doesn’t follow us in. This befuddles me. Since when is a bar a safe house? It doesn’t make any sense. He stands at the entrance, alone and stagnant, like some kind of leper. But enough about him I need to wee!  I storm past as fast as I can nearly crushing a fellow cast member with the toilet door. Why the door opens inwards beats me. But my god! This cubicle really is a cubicle. They must think we’re made of squares.

Pauline is lined up at the bar, well practically everyone’s lined up at the bar. Matthew is at the front, ahead of us and turns round and shouts “what do you want?”.What do you mean, what do i want? I shoot back a confused look and take my chances “what? A drink?” so apologetic and all “Yeh” he buys and now to make my order… “uhhh, rum and ginger”. Pauline’s gone and back again before I even notice. She’s hands me a glass of wine compliments of Marade. Oo, how lovely! Drinks are appearing left right and centre and I haven’t even got to the front! Pauline pops out again coz Chioma’s leaving. Ahh…shite hopefully that doesn’t inspire her to do a runner too. I’m enjoying her company, and her generosity. I hold the post to make sure we get that bottle. But I don’t last long and by the time she’s back again I’m already on the dance floor with my two drinks flying high. That’s right. One of them fly’s right out of my hand and plummets into the floor. Your supposed to fly high not straight into the ground who the hell gets a kick outta that? Silly drink… you know i really liked you rum and ginger. Ah well. I’m not gonna start licking you off the floor am I? And I’m not gonna by myself another one on the count of I already have a glass of red in my hand, a whole bottle coming up, and oh and not to mention nine quid to my name, I must remember that.

I take my time with the red. Mingle a bit, talk some shit, and dance to god awful music that people seem to know all the words too. It’s only when I notice people leaving that I find myself with Pauline again. She points to the bottle she bought for us and asks. But I can’t see it. I can’t even follow the line of her finger. She looks the same. And silently we agree to not have a bar of it. “Share it round?” I shrug. I look up and after all that time and debauchery the crazy bum is still there. Lingering. Suddenly i feel guilty. We treat them awful, but we’re god awful the same. Drinking whores. That’s what gets it all started. The downward spiral and the ignorance. I retreat to the dance floor and before i know it I’m having out of line thoughts about any man that moves. I really am drunk. I know it because I’m getting horny horny and as you heard, preachy. I better head home, before I cry rape! I mount my bike and insure my assistant director with a popular slogan “slow and steady wins the race”.But after a few minutes of dedication I really can’t be fucked with this journey so I ride like a mad man just to get it over with. I’m all over the place and I’ve got the jiggles. No, not the wiggles. The jiggles. It’s a worldwide thirst, oops first. I scrap the gutter not once but twice! It isn’t pleasant. I’m surprised my bike didn’t crumble beneath me. So much for riding in a straight line and the slow and steady wins the race hook! I’m nearly home and I still feel wasted. I can’t go to bed like this! I’ll have a horrible hang over. Then i remember that coke I found the other day when I was cleaning out my draw. I decide I’m gonna have it when I get home. That will straighten me up. Then i wont have to deal with it anymore. Getting rid of it sounds like a plan. I tramp up the stairs to my room and throw myself all over the floor. Now where is that god damn stuff. Ahh there it is. Still in the bottom draw. I snort down line number one. Wow. That feels great. Lay back on my bed and soak it in. Line number two isn’t as good. I start to feel a bit restless with myself, unhappy I started it all. Line number three, well, line number three just feels fucked. I really did fuck myself. I didn’t even have the energy to masturbate.

Hung over. It defines me. My room repulses me and my reflection looks worn out and tired. When I try and do anything I seem to have to back step at least once to do it right. So this is what they call ‘labor’. A friend is talking to me on face and I am psycho analyzing my every reply. Cat got my tongue? Unfortunately, no. Josie’s still home and it doesn’t sound like she’s going anywhere. I bite the bullet and make my way to breakfast. I know she’s going to ask me for money for the internet bill but I just don’t have it. I will have to face that bridge when i meet it. I stop next to her and wait. Poised. Ready for the blow. But I’m wrong, surprisingly. She apologizes for the noise the other night instead. And now I’ve got the upper hand and nothing more. Phew. I don’t need to pay the bill. Yet. The conversation stifles and she brings up the weather. Supposedly it’s sunny outside. I peer out the window to check and she’s not wrong. Hmm that’s a first. Maybe I should get out. I really do love proper weather. It reminds me of home.

I screw around on my laptop in my room for ages. Way past the point where I’d actually decided to go out. I’d think to myself ‘why don’t I go out?’ Strictly followed by an internal struggle and then no budge at all. ‘It’s not time’ I’d say, over and over again.

A guy is laying half naked smack bang in the middle of a park. There are daisies everywhere. It’s like that scene out of trainspotting, where Ewan McGregor has heroin for the first time. I swear they weren’t here before (the guy, and the daisies). The wind rustles through the earth and the skies blue over English apartments. It really is beautiful. There are so many trees! Different shapes different sizes… Birds calling, kids playing, and general chit chattering. The place is both peaceful and alive at the same time. The cars are still going round and round the circumference. It’s like when your playing Sim City and you zoom in three times. There are always people going somewhere, no matter what! The warmth on my skin as I lay down and shut my eyes takes me back to oz. I get it. They’ve just replaced the beach with the park. That’s not too shabby. I could never handle the sun directly on my face for too long. So I turn round pick up my book and keep reading. After a while I write myself a list. Yes, another one. Only this time it’s of my beliefs that I should always stick by. Well I hope to stick by. I figure if it helps with goal setting to write things down it should help in this department. I guess they are goals in a way.

I will not take drugs or alcohol

I will only do work I believe in

I will always be true to myself

I will accept myself

I will respect others

I will be there for my family

I will not depend on others

I will take the steps to get what I want

I will respect the environment around me

I’ve got ants in my pants. Literally. I don’t wanna squish them but it’s hard to ignore their patter. I look around and wonder. If this is a picture, then how do i color it in? There’s a man, a truck and a black crow strolling through the grass. Its funny, someone else could be here, in the same park, next to the same tree, at the same time exactly, and notice completely different things. Its hard when your seeing things differently to live as one. It makes sense most people wont see eye to eye.

My dress is so short you can see my undies. My extra large granny undies. I bought them for a stand up gig which I didn’t really stand up in. But the undies, they’ve definitely grown on me. Now they’re my favs. Comfort really should come first. My legs are prickly coz I’m not shaving anymore. It’s not a protest. It’s just I don’t see why I need to cut off my hair and spend time doing this when I don’t have a problem with it.

I read for a very long time. I only stop when a bumble bee appears next to my rug. I can’t take my eyes off of him. At first its fear ‘what if he keeps edging closer or fly’s right into me?! But he doesn’t he just hovers within arms reach so I begin to resent him. Why don’t you go away? This isn’t your place! After a considerable amount of general bad feelings I figure if I hate him so much he might hate me. Come to think of it. I just plonked my rug on his grass so maybe I shouldn’t hate him at all! Maybe if we just go about our business we’ll work out just fine. But as soon as i come to an agreement he’s gone. I’m not sure where perhaps he crawled under the rug but I do hope he’s ok that I don’t move and crush him.

A boy walks past all ‘frumped’. You can see he’s awkward. The awkwardness is all over his body. Why do we live in a place where people feel awkward with themselves? A truck toots its horn then disappears, a dignified acknowledgment to my longing “here, here”. If its this hot again I’m gonna wear my swimmers. So what people will think I’m an exhibitionist. I really just like being naked and practicing feeling comfortable in my own skin. Is that something wrong? It doesn’t bother me, if it is. I get deep in my book till I’m roused by a ‘hi’. Young boys are walking back from school. I recognise one, the one that’s greeted me. He watched me rehearse here last time the sun was properly out. That’s nice. He remembers me. The recognition is nice but what’s most nice is the fact that we can say hi. Shortly after his departure a sharp “HELLO? HELLO!” unearths from two girls walking past. One shouting the other with headphones on. Who’s she yelling at? I mean, the girl she’s with clearly isn’t listening. It’s kind of ironic. One minute I’m greeting a boy the next there’s this girl shouting hello and no one even answers her. Not even me. I stand by and don’t budge a muscle. Instead, I look over at the half naked guy. This time a different one, sitting on a bench. And I wish I was naked. Next time I’ll wear my swimmers, i think once again. I don’t really see the difference. Why shouldn’t I just take off my dress here and now just wear my bra and undies. I flash my undies for a moment, and then remember i haven’t shaved again. I feel anxious and cover up. A wasp comes over and here we go again. I try and like him I really do but I can’t. “Go away” I mumble. But he doesn’t and we both get agitated and I have to stand up and move away. Some guy walking past sees me. And to prevent him thinking I’m crazy I pretend like I’m just stretching.

Sometimes I look at myself and think what the hell am I? Not ‘who am i’ that’d be too cheesy and only works in Zoolander. I stare at my toes on the foot of my feet and think “what if I was a hobbit?” and born into The Shire. Will I always think like this? Will I ever stop wandering and see the picture for what it really is? What’s behind it? Funny that, that you can never actually see, clearly what’s behind you.

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